Letting in instead of coming out? Reflections on shifting from disclosure to self-compassion

There is no single coming out. It is a frequent assessment deployed each time you start a new job, go on a trip, or attend a conference. What you tell may result in indifference, friendship, or something more cruel. Often, connection is sacrificed to ensure safety. This is one of the devastating results of cisheteronormativity; deep and meaningful connection is lost in the (un)concious pursuit to fulfill its gendered and sexed requirements, whilst distancing ourselves from those who exhibit undesirable traits.

As a child, I was told that if you were queer, you will get HIV, and die alone; your soul will burn in perpetual torment; that many will wish for your erasure, if not existentially, then at least socially. Queerness was characterized by death. Even sympathetic media frames queerness as a tragedy, with queer characters more likely to die in film, usually in service to the development of cis-straight characters. Why would anyone come out if it meant walking into the abyss?

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